You Want to What in the Name of the What?
by Jusenkyo Guide
Summary: Someone is stealing the Greatest Treasurers of Tokyo-3. It's up to the EVA kids to find out who... Assuming they survive Misato's cooking.


Jusenkyo Productions Proudly Presents  
  
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction  
  
Rei is a What?  
  
*Ano... Slight warning. None of the people in here are actually acting like they should be. At least I don't think they are. And this probably counts as a lime, pretty sure it does.*  
  
'Ah, sweet relaxation,' Shinji thought to himself. 'No angels, no father, no loud-mouthed German girl, just me, my SDAT, Pen-Pen, and a complete set of Life Sized Electric EVA Pilot Blow-Up Dolls (With fully removable plug-suits and head spinning attachments that play Fly Me to The Moon); life is gooooooood!' While contemplating just how to, ah, interface with his new Rei EVA Doll (TM NERV), Shinji casually pressed the play button on his SDAT, fully expecting to hear the glorious strains of Bach. It was understandable then, when he started clutching his head and started screaming as heavy metal cords started to pound his eardrums as if they were bongos. Doing a remarkable impression of Unit-00, he turned and started to pound his head against the wall. When that didn't work, he tried the doll, at least that felt better.  
  
Pen-pen looked up from where he was blowing up his Life Sized NERV Operations Commander Doll (with Beer attachment and choice of formal or black mini-skirt uniform) to raise an eyebrow and go back to his blowing. Some things are just more important that a friend trying to pound his head out against latex. Besides, with Shinji it just might be a new move he found on the Net.  
  
The door to Shinji's room slammed open. His face a mask of terror, Shinji turned to see who has just discovered his private vice, was it Misato? Ritsuko? His father? Maya? Or could it even be his mind whispered, Rei? He screamed again, this time in horror at what he saw. For there, on the other side of his room, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on the other side, stood Asuka. Dressed in her 'therapeutic' red leather dominatrix suit that was high slit, low cut, missing a lot of it, and what it did have was mostly stringy... with kawaii puppy dog eyes and tears flowing down her face. They flowed softly, gently, and, well, kawaiily. (SD Nene: Is that even a word?)  
  
"Shinji!" She boo-hoo'd, "It's terrible! It's awful! It's the End Of The World As We Know It! (SD NERV Staff: And we feel fine!)" She advanced on Shinji who backed up even farther into 'Rei', shaking his head. "What shall we do Shinji? What shall we do?" Asuka pleaded.  
  
"WHAT?" Shinji bellowed.  
  
A look of annoyance crossed Asuka's face; she pulled the earphones off Shinji, causing the boy to yelp in pain. "I said, what shall we do, Baka-Shinji!" Then she stopped as she heard, 'Hello it's me again! It's been so nice talking to myself' from the phones. "Oh, is that were I left my disc?"  
  
Shinji blinked, Pen-pen blinked, behind them 'Rei' blinked.  
  
"Come again, Asuka?" Shinji asked after a few minutes.  
  
"I said it's the END OF EVANGELION! (SD NERV Staff: And we are confused!)"  
  
"I'm sorry," Shinji immediately said, thus once again displaying the 'take charge' kind of action that he was famous for.  
  
Asuka's eyes narrowed dangerously, "And what do you know about it?"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"It!"  
  
"It who?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"IT YOU BAKA!"  
  
"Which it?"  
  
"The only it!"  
  
"Oh, so you mean it?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
Asuka blinked, "Ano... Who's turn is it now?  
  
"I don't know! (SD Washu and Skuld: Third base!)"  
  
Shinji and Asuka both blinked. Silence, except for the frenzied puff- puffs of Pen-pen's blowing descended on the room. Finally, slowly and with great clarity, Asuka spoke, "The end of the world has come. Someone has been going through Tokyo-3 and stealing our most important treasures."  
  
"You mean the EVAs?" Shinji squeaked with fright.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Tokugawa's sword?" Shinji asked fearfully.  
  
"Wrong!"  
  
"Oh no! Not the One True Ring!" Shinji said, his voice laden with terror.  
  
"Anata baka? It's not that!" Asuka blinked, "Besides, didn't they toss that when I went volcano diving?"  
  
Shinji's eyes grew wide with fear; his face was a rictus of horror, "Y.y.you mean that they actually..."  
  
Asuka nodded sadly.  
  
Shinji gulped and continued, "They took... They actually took"  
  
Asuka just gazed at him with understanding; it was hard on her too. For the first time, she felt sympathy for her fellow pilot.  
  
"They took my father's glasses?"  
  
Then again, maybe not. "No, our 'other' greatest treasures." Asuka said.  
  
Shinji looked at her blankly; someone had forgotten to draw in his eyes. (SD JG: CUT! Redo it, and someone give the kid back his eyes!)  
  
Shinji looked at her blankly, "Which other greatest treasure are we talking about Asuka?"  
  
Asuka sighed with longing as she thought about it, "Just the most wonderful thing in Japan." She turned her usual glare at Shinji, "Come on, Third Children, I'll show you." She flicked a glance at 'Rei' "You too Wonder Girl." When 'Rei' didn't answer, Asuka just sneered with contempt, "Fine, just stay there like the doll you are!"  
  
Dragging Shinji by the ear, she plopped him down in front of the TV and with a flick of her whip, turned the set on. On it, a cute Japanese girl with a face that was almost cat like and brown hair was announcing the news.  
  
"Police are still continuing their inquiries into the rash of thefts that have been sweeping Tokyo-3 in resent days. The victims of the crimes have not seen the thief as he or she was robbing them. The only clue police have had to go on was a brief glimpse made by this local student.  
  
The camera panned to show Aida Kenusuke standing there with his ever- present camera. "So young man, what did you see?"  
  
Kenusuke, standing at attention barked out, "Yes ma'm, I was on patrol when I noticed the store, Greatest Treasures of Tokyo-3, had been broken into. I went to check it out when a red, white, and blue'ish blur shot past me."  
  
The reporter nodded, "And what do you think it was?"  
  
"Obviously it was a patriotic American streaker."  
  
The reporter sweat dropped, so did everyone else in Tokyo-3.  
  
The girl quickly recovered her composure, "The super secret NERV organization that is run by the UN and we're not supposed to know about had this to say."  
  
The screen cut to a news conference in the GeoFront. Standing behind a podium with the NERV logo on it, in front of a banner with the NERV logo on it, reading from notes stamped with NERV logos, and wearing a NERV uniform with NERV logos sewed on, Lieutenant Maya was reading the following statement. "NERV, which we can neither confirm or deny the existence of, cannot comment at this time on the thefts, but promises any and all cooperation, that it may or may not have, to the local authorities, assuming an Angel, which we are still not commenting on the existence thereof, does not attack." Maya put down her notes and looked directly into the cameras. "But as for myself, I'm saying that we need to hunt down the bastard who dared stole our treasures and destroy them utterly! We should grind their bones to paste! We should kill them all and murder the bodies! We should force them to clean Misato's apartment!" Shinji and Asuka shuttered at that idea. "We should..." Maya trailed off as Ritsuko came on the stage and whispered something into the girl's ear and tried to drag her off.  
  
"But Sempai!" Maya whined for the cameras, "Whoever it was stole my complete collection of Sailor Senshi plushies! They even stole my Sailor Moon fuku that you made for me and they took your Mars one!" Asuka started to weep silently in communal pain for her fellow fan's loss.  
  
Ritsuko turned as red as the aforementioned Sailor's fuku and pulled Maya off the stage.  
  
The picture cut back to the reporter who looked like she just wanted to go off somewhere and die. "And there you have it, Tokyo-3 being rocked by some nameless and faceless thief who has been stealing any and all Sailor Moon items. And now back to Takahashi-san with more on the strange disturbances in NeoGotham."  
  
Shinji looked at Asuka who was still crying, "Sailor Moon?" he asked.  
  
Asuka nodded.  
  
"You're upset because someone is stealing Sailor Moon stuff?"  
  
Shinji got up off the floor and headed back towards his room where some rather particular squawking could be heard. As he passed Asuka, he shrugged once, "It's just Sailor Moon after all."  
  
"Just Sailor Moon?" Asuka asked from between firmly ground teeth.  
  
"Well yeah, it's just one of those silly shoujo things." Shinji started down the short fall to his room, not hearing Asuka's low growl, nor the crack of her whip. He DID hear himself crash through the door of his room, and felt it too of course. He landed in a heap on top of 'Rei', which started spinning on her head while singing 'Fly Me to the Moon.'  
  
"Moonies," he said with some disgust before Asuka came into work out some of her stress over the thefts and Shinji's indifference to them.  
  
**********  
  
In a dark dark base there is a dark dark room. And in that dark dark room there is a dark dark table. And around that dark dark table there were some dark dark monoliths. And those dark dark DARK monoliths were getting down and funky to the jpop version of 'Fly Me to the Moon for the Thirtieth Time'. (SD JG: Um, sorry to the Dancing SEELE at AX2000) A single light pierced the darkness, illuminating the scene. SEELE's members froze. "Uh," Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki said, clearing his throat, "Would you like us to come back in 20 minutes?"  
  
Gendo hid behind his gloved hands, "This is not going according to the plan," he said softly, everyone ignored him.  
  
SEELE01 cleared it's throat, "That will not be necessary. What is it Ikari?"  
  
"The Terror has struck before we were ready for it," Gendo replied.  
  
If it could, the monolith would have blinked, "Of course it has. The Angels are back."  
  
Fuyutsuki shook his head, "No, not the terror, the Terror, with a capitol T."  
  
"Oh!" SEELE chorused, "The Terror!"  
  
"But the Terror was not supposed to have appeared till after the 28th Angel," that was SEELE04  
  
"Correct," SEELE03 this time, "The fact that it has struck now is completely against all our scenarios. Ikari, what is going on?"  
  
"It is not going according to the plan," Gendo said from behind his gloves again. The rest of SEELE sighed.  
  
"No matter what, Ikari, you must stop the Terror before its reign destroys us all." SEELE01 finished.  
  
"Yes, now we must get back to our important meeting," Bob the Janitor said.  
  
SEELE blinked, Fuyutsuki blinked, and Gendo said, "It is not going according to the plan."  
  
"Sub-commander Fuyutsuki?" SEELE01 asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Hit Ikari, he's stuck again."  
  
************  
  
When Shinji finally was able to get himself freed from the ropes, chains, pulleys, and the three cats that Asuka had attached to him and attached him to, it was late. He could hear the sounds of Tokyo-3 going to bed and waking up for the night shifts; the sounds of insects, the dull roar of cars, the soft sounds of the Phantom playing 'The Music of the Night', the loud belches of Misato getting wasted in the kitchen.  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
Straining his ears, he could just make out the sounds of crashes and splashing over the piano. Desperately he sought the calendar that hung like a Cloud o' Doom (TM) on the wall. Today's date was highlighted in red lamb's blood. Not only was it Misato's turn to cook, no, this was far worse. It was Misato's turn to cook AND Kaji's birthday. Misato had gleefully offered to cook the Japanese Man of Mystery's birthday dinner. It was unknown if this was out of revenge for past wrongs or if she actually thought she was doing him a favor. The jury was still out on that one... with massive heartburn. (SD Everyone: 'GROAN!')  
  
Without looking, he grabbed the bag with his survival kit in it. With any luck he could be out the window and away from Tokyo-3 before Misato noticed that he was gone. He quickly opened his bag making sure that the pictures of Misato sleeping in her underwear were still tightly sealed in their protective cover. He would use them to bribe NERV security into letting him flee the country till all of the leftovers had been disposed of or had crawled away.  
  
Securing his climbing gear, once again silently thanking Kaji for giving him lessons on how to escape a bedroom when those who would terminate your existence lurked nearby, he opened his window and with a fearful look backwards (which didn't turn him into a pillar of salt), went out to meet his destiny.  
  
Which turned out to be really soft, kinda bouncy, and, given this is not only an anime but also one done by Gainax, went 'boink' when Shinji ran face first into them. Shinji froze again, he knew who this was. One, because it wasn't latex that he ran into, and two, only Kaji's melons were bigger. Besides, only one person in Tokyo3 had breath that smelled like a freshly open can of beer.  
  
"Now Shinji," a voice said by his ear, "You know you're not supposed to be doing this until the movie when I have to use my body to get you into the EVA."  
  
Shinji gulped, "Uh, sorry, Misato-san," he tried.  
  
Misato grinned, "That's ok Shinji. You're a growing boy after all."  
  
Shinji smiled weakly, he was willing to put up with teasing if he could just manage to get away from here. "Y.yes, I guess."  
  
"Now then," Misato continued, as if holding a conversation with her charge while hanging off the side of her apartment was an everyday event. "Why are you sneaking out the window?"  
  
'Ut-oh, got to think fast, I have to run away.' "I was going to get some food you forgot?" Shinji attempted. It had worked before.  
  
"Nope, I ordered everything, including Kaji, off the Internet and had it delivered two days ago. Want to try again?"  
  
"Um, an Angel is planning to attack?"  
  
"And I wasn't informed? Right."  
  
"Asuka wants me and I'm saving myself for Rei?"  
  
Misato paused to consider that one for a second; it WAS plausible. "Nope, not after that grope. Sorry Shinji, good try though."  
  
Shinji also paused for a second, "If I whine enough about being abandoned by my father, and that I have no friends, choice, self esteem, and a spine will you let me go?"  
  
"We will not let you go."  
  
"Let me go"  
  
"Will not let go."  
  
"Let me go."  
  
"Will not let you go."  
  
"Let me go-o-o-o-o."  
  
"No! No! No! No! No!"  
  
Misato reached around Shinji and pressed stop on his SDAT that had started playing when Shinji had backed into the wall. (SD JG: "What? I like Queen.) "Nope, now turn around and march into the kitchen young man. You are going to be eating with us tonight!"  
  
As Misato started to repel down the side of the building to the walkway she stopped and looked back at Shinji, "And trying to choke your self won't work either!"  
  
**********  
  
Kaji and Ritsuko arrived soon afterwards to find Shinji and Asuka practicing eating with one hand pinching their noses shut.  
  
Kaji smiled, "It's not that bad, after all we've all lived through Misato's meals before. I had to go one week with nothing but her cooking one time and I'm still alive."  
  
"And that explains so much," Ritsuko murmured next to him.  
  
"I heard that!" Misato shouted from the kitchen. Then there were some strange noises that almost sounded like gunfire. "Don't worry, dinner's almost dea... I mean ready!"  
  
The four in the living room looked at each other apprehensively. 'If we start running now, could we make it to the safety of the EVAs?' Ritsuko pondered.  
  
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Kaji asked?  
  
"Yes, but we could never run fast enough to escape Misato's driving and quite possibly her dinner either."  
  
"I heard that too!" Misato bellowed. Then "Damn-it, stay DEAD!"  
  
**********  
  
Sometime later after the police had been called in to deal with it, everyone was relaxing around the quickly ordered take-out. The boxes littered the kitchen and almost covered the bullet holes of the shoot out between Misato's dinner and the police after it had taken Misato hostage and demanded asylum. The last report had it heading towards the American embassy just two, uh, steps ahead of the police. At least they had managed to convince Maya that the strange readings were not the result of an impending Angel attack.  
  
"That," Kaji said leaning back slightly, "has to have been the best birthday dinner you have ever given me, Misato-chan."  
  
Misato smiled for a second, and then frowned, "I didn't make this though."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Before Misato could get her hands around Kaji's neck, Shinji managed to change the subject, "What are you assigned to now, Kaji-san?"  
  
"I? Ikari has me tracking down the thief who is stealing all the Sailor Moon items. Like Ritsu's Mars fuku."  
  
Ritsuko turned bright red as everyone looked at her, "I'm going to KILL Maya for this." She muttered darkly.  
  
"I don't know why everyone's making such a big fuss out of this," Misato said. "It's just another show."  
  
Kaji's eyes twinkled, "Oh? I seem to remember that time you begged me to dress in a tux and, how did you say it? Punish you in the name of the Moon? Quite a few times."  
  
It was now Misato's turn to go red as everyone looked at her.  
  
"Any case," Kaji continued, "Ikari doth ordered so I doth do it."  
  
"Any leads?" Asuka asked eagerly.  
  
"Sorry, this is going to be a tough one. No pictures, no fingerprints, no clues. And I'm not counting the speculation of a patriotic American streaker as a clue or a lead." Kaji shrugged, "I think we're more likely to find out the real cause of Second Impact than we are to finding the thief."  
  
"No! That can't be! You have to do something Kaji, before all my stuff gets taken!" Asuka begged. "I just got the complete line up of the 2014 Sailor Moon card game anyway!"  
  
Kaji looked thoughtful, "We could always hide a tracker in your collection. It hasn't worked before, but it might now."  
  
Asuka nodded eagerly, "YES! And then with the tracker I can find the thief and punish him in the name of the Moon!" Asuka exclaimed and finished off her picture perfect pose from Sailor Moon.  
  
Shinji snickered.  
  
With a glare that would have punched through the GeoFront's armor, Asuka told Shinji that he would be coming along.  
  
"What? I don't want to!"  
  
"Heel!"  
  
"Yes mistress," Shinji sighed.  
  
"I see she has him trained well," Ritsuko noted to Misato.  
  
"Taught her everything she knows," Misato stated proudly.  
  
Kaji snickered.  
  
"Heel!"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am." Kaji said quickly.  
  
**********  
  
Operation SOSS (Save Our Sailor Stuff) quickly swung into action. Kaji left the tracer and tracker with Asuka and said good night before Misato could feed him dessert.  
  
Asuka planted the tracer into one of her precious sailor plushies. Crying all the while. "I'm sorry, Mars-chan, but it's the only way!" she wailed.  
  
Then darkness settled on the land with only the groaning of Pen Pen, who had been feed the leftovers, the only noise to break the silence. (SD Sailor Saturn: No, not the Silence, the silence.) Asuka was crouched in Shinji's room, with the said occupant of the room lying bound and gagged, concentrating on the tracker she held in her hands. She was sure that the thief would come after her next. She had the largest collection remaining so no true Sailor Moon thief could possibly resist it.  
  
Only a small tinkle of glass alerted her to the break in. The speed between that and the tracer starting move was so short as to leave her breathless. "Come on Shinji, let's go!" she hissed then bounded out the doorway.  
  
Only to return two seconds later to untie Shinji from his bonds, remove the gag, and shove him out the door.  
  
The tracker led them through the dark and deserted streets of Tokyo3. The only people about where those unfortunate enough to have the graveyard shift, the casual mugger and grave robber, an Angel that NERV had missed, and some poor boy who kept on asking directions to a dojo. The trail wound around the city, heading in no particular direction, as if it was trying to toss off pursuit.  
  
"I don't get it, where could the thief be going? There's nothing around in this area." Asuka complained. Shinji kept silent, he didn't want Asuka to yank the choke chain again.  
  
With a little electronic sigh, the tracker died.  
  
"Oh no! Now what do we do?"  
  
"Let's go visit Old Man Higgens, he might know!"  
  
Asuka jerked Shinji away from the all night Scooby-Doo marathon he was watching in front of the store.  
  
"Baka Shinji, keep your mind on the work ok? The tracker died so that means the thief found it. So what's near here that he could have gone to?"  
  
Shinji looked around, "I think Rei lives near here." He noted.  
  
"And just what would I want with Wonder Girl at this time of night." Her eyes narrowed, "And what do YOU want with her this time of night?"  
  
"Away from you and in her arms," Shinji almost said, but realized that he didn't have a spine and saying that would be wildly out of character for him. (SD Skuld: Like this whole story isn't?) "She might have seen something," he said softly.  
  
"She might have seen something," Asuka said, "Good thing I'm here to do the thinking or else we would never catch that thief!" With a brief tug to bring Shinji back his proper place at her feet, she started walking off, dragging him along. "Let's go!"  
  
Rei's apartment was even spookier at night. None of the lighting worked, and weird noises came out of nowhere. The apartment itself was the only thing that looked lived in. A small crack of light shined from under the door and muffled noises came from within.  
  
Which were suddenly drowned out by Asuka's loud banging. "C'mon Wonder Girl! We need to talk!" She pounded the door again. Finally the pulled the door open shouting, "There's no way you could have been slee... Eep!"  
  
The 'Eep' came from the sudden avalanche of plushies. In all colors and sizes they poured out of the door and buried Asuka. As one bounced over to Shinji's foot, he picked it up, it was Sailor Pluto. Asuka struggled until she finally emerged victorious, woman over plushie. Spitting out a small Sailor Venus doll, she started to force her way into Rei's apartment.  
  
What you could see of Rei's apartment was the same dirty walls and floors that Shinji remembered. All two bare spots showed that. The rest was covered in a riot of color. Posters, wall scrolls, pictures, dolls, toys, clocks, and two VERY disgruntled cats with crescent moons pasted to their heads. In the middle of it, looking like a plushie herself in a Sailor Mercury fuku, Rei sat watching the screen. On it, Sailor Moon was fighting for love, justice, and good eats.  
  
Blinking once, Rei turned to regard her two guests.  
  
"Rei, YOU'RE the thief?" Asuka asked incredulously.  
  
Rei nodded once, and then went back to watching Sailor Moon.  
  
"But, but why?" Asuka asked.  
  
Rei was about to reply when Shinji started to cry.  
  
"Nooooooo, it's NOT fair! First Asuka has to be a stupid Moonie and now Rei's an even worse one!"  
  
Rei blinked again, setting a new record for her. "Ikari-kun, you do not like this show?" she asked.  
  
"Of course not! It's stupid, and childish, and Usagi's voice makes me want to puke!"  
  
Rei frowned a little, "That is not true Ikari-kun, and soon I think you will see." Rei looked over to Asuka who nodded and grinned.  
  
Shinji, sensing what was going to happen broke and tried to get out the door, only to be pulled short, literally, by Asuka's chain around his neck.  
  
"Nooooo, I don't want to be brainwashed into being a moonie. Someone help!" he begged desperately.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ikari-kun," Rei said as she helped Asuka tie him to the chair she had been sitting in. "But this is for your own good. Until you worship at the Church of Serenity, we will not be a real person."  
  
Asuka nodded, "Well said!"  
  
"But... but..." Shinji pleaded.  
  
"But nothing, Ikari-kun." Rei finished for him. Nodding to Asuka again, the two girls stood in front of Shinji. Doing the same poses at the same time, the two exclaimed, "Tsuki ni kawatte oshioki yo!" They pressed 'Play' on the VCR.  
  
2 hours later, NERV security picked up the Third Children's scream coming from the First Children's apartment.  
  
"Lovely!"  
  
The End.  
  
Author's squawk box.  
  
Yes, I know this is weird, no I don't know where it came from. I don't own any of the above anime, songs, ideas, suggestions, confusion, or dancing monoliths. But I did have fun with them. :)  
  
Please, if you can, send me some C&C on this. This is, believe it or not, part of a homework assignment.  
  
And to make up for this monster, I promise I will write a nice serious EVA fic next. Hopefully.  
  
Jusenkyo Guide 


End file.
